By day, 50-year-old Rayna Tan (not her real name) is a working professional.
By night, she is a devoted wife, mother, and primary caregiver to her 84-year-old father, Tan Kim Hay, a stroke survivor and home care patient with St Luke’s Hospital (SLH).
The word “caregiver” doesn’t quite encapsulate the magnitude of Rayna’s responsibilities.
Yet, when asked how she manages, she offers a steady answer: “One issue at a time.”
A Full House, A Full Heart
Currently, Rayna lives with her husband, three children, elderly parents, and two domestic helpers who assist with household chores and caregiving tasks.
In their household, every square metre carries a shared sense of love, responsibility and quiet resilience.
“When my father had his stroke, I knew things were going to change,” Rayna recalls. “But I didn’t realise how much I would have to change to keep things going.”
More than a decade ago, Mr Tan suffered a stroke and was admitted to an acute hospital.
After his condition stabilised, he was referred to SLH for follow-up medical reviews.
With Mr Tan’s declining mobility and the round-the-clock care, Rayna had to restructure her life – both emotionally and financially.
From groceries and children’s needs to helper salaries and medical expenses, every dollar had to be accounted for.
“The most challenging part was managing our finances. I had to stretch every cent. I planned for three months ahead and depended on bonuses to make sure we had something extra for emergencies,” she explains.
Support That Matters
Earlier this year, Mr Tan was referred as an urgent case from St Luke’s Community Clinic (SLCC) for unstageable and infected sacral pressure injury.
Thanks to antibiotic treatment, his infection was controlled and his sacral wound eventually healed.
Rayna doesn’t mince her words when she talks about how SLH has been instrumental in helping her navigate this demanding chapter.
“A social worker helped me apply for grants to cover my father’s medical expenses while a doctor, Rae Ann, now does home consultations once every 3 months for chronic disease management. That alone makes such a big difference.”
Tanzo Murriel Arong, Mr Tan’s home care nurse, monitors his health condition and advises the family on wound care.
Lessons in Love
Apart from her father, Rayna also has experience caregiving for her aunt when she was diagnosed with ALS, a progressive neurodegenerative disease, in 2020. Over the course of a year, she watched her aunt go from relatively independent to completely bedridden.
“It was all new. Scary, even. But I’m very grateful for the help we received,” Rayna says.
Weekly nurse visits and emotional support helped Rayna understand what to expect and how to cope.
“I remember being completely overwhelmed – taking care of my aunt, my father, my children, my job… It was too much. But then, I told myself, just take one thing at a time.”
A Message to Fellow Caregivers
Now several years into this journey, Rayna has hard-earned wisdom for others walking the same path.
“First of all, if your parents don’t have insurance, please get it. You never know what the future holds,” she advises.
“And couples – make sure you talk about your roles in caring for ageing parents. Understanding between partners is key. If not, caregiving can cause conflicts.”
She also cautions caregivers not to rely too much on external validation.
“People outside won’t understand what you’re going through. But trust yourself. Once you accept your role as a caregiver, don’t doubt yourself. You’re doing your best. Be kind to yourself. And don’t be afraid to get extra hands for help to protect your mental health.”
